Oh, hello there. Welcome to FormerlyFoster. I am Sarah (formerly Foster), and this is my husband Brian and our daughter Hope. This blog was a Christmas present from Brian, who is always encouraging me to write beyond the pages of my journal or the love letters I write to him and Hope. And I’m always finding reasons not to. The reasons are many, but fear and insecurity are probably lurking behind each of them and I have long since decided that fear is not the boss of me.
Truth be told I was first attracted to writing a blog over 15 years ago, when I first discovered them. I loved reading other people’s accounts of pretty ordinary lives. I still do. I love to be invited in as they process and make sense of the story they are living. I wanted to do that too. But I was in high school and feared I had nothing valuable to say. I still fear that. Also, I’m pretty sure writing is my love language. It’s how I talk to God and how I express love to others most clearly. It feels a bit weird to make it a public thing.
Anyway, since my first discovery of blogs 15 years ago, I have contemplated the idea on many occasions, always to find reasons not to follow through with it. Last year about this time, I even went so far as to write two essays, but life got in the way. At this time last year, I was nearly 20 weeks pregnant and we were in the process of buying a fixer-upper, if it could even be called that. The house we were buying was essentially in disrepair – valuable only for the location and the vision Brian and I had for it. It was one and a half stories, with the upper floor being suitable for Hobbits – regarding their stature only, not their cleanliness or coziness. It had no working plumbing or electricity. The layout wasn’t ideal. There was no kitchen and one very disgusting bathroom. It was covered in asbestos tiles. And the plaster walls needed to be taken down. Even though it would be a lot of work and our time was limited, we were excited to take something broken and make it new. We heard God asking if this old house could live again and we believed Yes! With his breath, it would live. And I wanted to document the whole adventure for our baby (and anyone else who might be interested in the project). But we had plenty to fill our time with getting ready for the baby, deconstructing and reconstructing the house and keeping our jobs, so I never made it any farther.
I still want to document the adventure for Hope, even though it has turned out wildly different than we were anticipating.
The story I thought we would tell is this: God was SO faithful and he pulled everything together, making it all go so smoothly and seamlessly. The project was always ahead of schedule and under budget. We encountered no setbacks of any kind. And it would be so obvious how God was for us and making the impossible happen. He would make a way where there was no way.
Our desire was to be in a completed house, with time to spare, before our baby was born. I knew God could do it. We felt strongly that our vision for the house was from him. We were lining up our wills with his – restoration. And we had a quickly approaching deadline, so we assumed God planned on meeting that deadline.
One year later, with our 7 month old girl, still in a 650 square foot apartment, I see how we were setting ourselves up for disappointment. We really had no idea what we were getting ourselves into, because the story we were expecting God to tell isn’t the one he’s telling.
We are still living in the unfinished story. There aren’t any tidy endings yet. With time, I’m sure this story will continue to evolve. By the time we are in the house, I’m sure this story will be told differently with new insights, but for now…
Here is the story as we are experiencing it. Nothing went as planned. Not. One. Single. Thing. Not even the timing of our daughter’s birth went according to the plan (she came nearly a month early). The closing was continually delayed. There was an unknown lien on the property. We had title issues. We had permit issues. We had contractor issues. Everything moved at a snail’s pace when we were expecting lightning. God has not been faithful in the way we expected to see his faithfulness. But God has still been faithful. He is sustaining us and blessing us. He is present in the midst of the work and the wait. I’m convinced that he’s leading us on the best pathway for our life. And I’m convinced there is treasure to be found here, if we only have eyes to see it.
About a month before Hope was born, I was frustrated and disappointed by the whole thing. I wanted to be in the house by then. I wanted a whirlwind miracle to live in. But those things did not happen. It was hard not to start thinking that perhaps we were foolish or stupid for taking on a project of that magnitude when we were so close to having a baby. Maybe the house and our vision for it had been a mistake. I heard God asking me, Sarah, what if this story isn’t about me meeting your deadline? Deep Breath. I should have felt disappointed with that confirmation that I wasn’t getting what I wanted, but what I felt was relief. I didn’t have to muscle up our own miracle. I could just let God tell his story. With this gentle question God gave us hope that Brian and I weren’t wrong about buying that house. It wasn’t coming together in this rapid, miraculous way, but God was still in it. We weren’t wrong…we just weren’t right either. Coming to terms with the fact that we’ve been living a different story than the one God has been telling was not easy. It never is. But that question opened me up to see that maybe the story he’s telling is somehow bigger and more beautiful than what we originally were hoping for (in a way that we still can’t fully see).
We are learning to adjust how we are looking for God. If we look for him in the wrong version of the story, then we’ll just be disappointed when he fails us. We are learning to be content and grateful in all circumstances. Yes, there are lots of things that are inconvenient about our life right now. But that doesn’t reduce the gratitude we feel for each other, quiet nights together when Hope is asleep, laughing while making brunch on Saturday mornings or our completely levelheaded and unbiased pride that we have the absolute best daughter on the planet.
The story I’ll tell Hope is that she has a dad and I have a husband who loves us very much – with a fierce and untiring kind of love. Despite delays, disappointments, long days and fatigue, Brian continues to put in the daily work of finishing this house. He has not let frustration or setbacks triumph over him. He pours himself out, as a daily sacrifice, into creating a home for our family. He is wise. He is dedicated. He is building a home with his own two hands. He is intentional and thoughtful about the kind of home he is building. Despite the time sacrificed, the mental energy consumed, the physical labor of building, Brian always comes home with energy to spare for his girls. He delights in seeing Hope. She will know she is loved both because of the work he is doing to give her a home and because of the way he lights up when he looks at her. He is expressing his deep love for us through the act of creation and I can’t help but think of God at the very beginning of the world. God was so meticulous in creating the perfect world for the people he wanted to live there. He thought about our needs and desires. He thought about order and beauty. And he didn’t bring us home until it was ready for us.
So whatever else this story turns into, I know it’s a story of how much we are loved. Whatever disappointment and inconvenience faced, I know that it will have been worth it.